Pt.1
Hi NV,
Has it really been a year since I’ve last wrote to you? Feels like it’s been much longer. Sorry, I should be better at keeping in touch. How have you been? How’s the family doing? Hope everything is well with you. I can’t thank you enough for the kind words you gave me last time we talked. I’ve taken all of it to heart and it’s helped me a lot. I’ve had a lot of time now to reflect on my battle with depression, so I just wanted to share some updates with you on how I’m doing. I want to say that I’ve gotten better at understanding how depression affects me, but most days I just feel like it’s one step forward, two steps back.
I woke up today feeling groggy. That’s how it’s been for some time. I start every day just mentally drained. I think the mental exhaustion has seeped it’s way into my physical health. I’m gymming less, and when I do I have so little energy I can only get in a half-ass workout. I’m eating less because some days I just don’t have an appetite. Worst part about this is that my friends keep giving me shit for losing my nice butt, which I’m actually pretty sad about. The lack of energy makes it hard for me to do all the things I used to do. Going out with friends has become a chore now, and I have to mentally prepare myself in case I get social anxiety in large group events. I spend so much energy trying to keep myself calm at concerts that I’m not able to fully enjoy them. Oh wow, I just realized I probably look like that guy at the concert whose friends bought him a ticket, but he didn’t really want to go, so now he’s just there to not be rude to his friends, but you can tell because he looks bored and only knows the words to the one song that was played on the radio. I understand now, bored guy. Except for me, I actually want to be there, yet I still feel out of place. It’s so frustrating.
I have little drive and motivation to do anything. When I see my friends doing something they love I get so envious. When I see someone talk so enthusiastically about their passion I get a bit jealous. I want that. I want that so bad. I want so badly just to have something to grasp on to and keep me going. But nothing seems to get me excited much anymore. I just feel like a shell of who I used to be. I used to try so many new things like photography, video editing, dancing, or making music. Now I’m lucky if I can manage to pick up my guitar for five minutes or get my ass to the gym.
I used to have a blog where I write about some of the strangers I’ve met and the conversations we shared. I haven’t touched that blog in over a year. The few times I venture out in the outside world, I usually try to avoid situations where I have to socialize. I thought avoiding eye contact with someone was a universal sign for “Hey I don’t really want to talk with you right now, or like ever.” I don’t really want to know what vegetable you think pairs well with your organic quinoa, nor do I care about how much of a good boy you think your dog is. Alright that’s a bit harsh. If they talked to me I would entertain them, but this is how anti-social I’ve gotten. This would probably be a good time for me to get a cat and fulfill all the cat owner stereotypes.
I tried counseling again, and for the second time I had an unreliable counselor who rescheduled me last minute. It’s just frustrating because the process to find a counselor takes so long, and finding the right fit takes time as well. It’s discouraging to say the least. By chance, I was able to find someone to talk to that helped me a lot though. During the chat, I didn’t feel like I was being judged or diagnosed. It just felt like a heart to heart conversation. It helped because she was able to repeat back what I said but from a more positive perspective. I told her how I’ve come to terms with my depression by letting myself fall and feel what I need to feel. She praised me for how aware and cognizant I am about how depression affects me, but right now I feel like I’m still in free fall. I don’t know how long the fall will be or where I will land. I’m trying to let time take it’s course, but I’m just so drained all the time. It’s like I’m watching myself from third person as I’m falling, but I can’t do anything about it. I don’t know how long I can keep this up.
Honestly I thought fighting depression was going to be easier. I didn’t think it would take so much time and energy. Maybe I’m not giving myself enough credit. Maybe the depression is tricking me into thinking I’m not as OK as I actually am. I find it easier to focus on all the negative things instead of the positive things. I was making pho noodle soup for my friends the other day and despite how good the food was, I was fixated on whether or not I overcooked the noodles. It sounds stupid, but that kind of mindset makes me believe that things are worse than they are. There’s just so much negativity in my brain right now, and I don’t know how to make room for the good stuff. I’m scared that over time, all this negativity is going to skew my perception of the world. I’m scared of going numb to everything. I’m scared of just going through the motions for the rest of my life. I’m scared of losing my mind, I really am.
I’m just so exhausted. I don’t know what to do. You know me pretty well, am I going crazy?
Sincerely,
Nhan
Pt. 2
Dear Nhan,
I always look forward to hearing from you. First of all, your butt is still nice. Second, no you’re not going crazy. Last time we talked you barely knew what depression was. Now after reading everything you wrote it seems like you have a good idea of what it is but more importantly how it affects you. You seem to be aware of a lot more than you give yourself credit for. Sounds to me like you’re making a lot of progress. The depression is making you focus on all the bad things, so you can’t really see the progress that you’ve made.
One thing you can do that might help is to stop comparing your current self to your “past self”. The you that you are now is still the same you as before, but with the depression you have to understand that your capacity is much more limited now. So placing all these expectations on yourself to do all these things that you used to do will overwhelm you. You have to be OK with the fact that just because you don’t have the energy to do everything you used to doesn’t mean you’re going crazy. I think you’re placing these unrealistic expectations on yourself because you’ve done and shown it before. But when an athlete gets injured, do we expect them to still play at the same level before they got hurt? Not at first right? It takes time to recover and rebuild yourself. Right now you’re in the process of rebuilding yourself, but you have to be patient with it and give yourself a little more credit here and there. You said it’s a chore for you to even get to the gym. Well instead of seeing that as a negative why don’t you pat yourself on the back every time you get a workout in. Try out the positive reinforcement thing on yourself. You’re good at doing that for others. Just try it on yourself sometime.
You also mentioned that you’re struggling to find the drive and motivation to keep you going. Are you still comparing yourself to your peers? Especially those who aren’t currently dealing with depression? I think you still have that drive in you. Just right now all your energy is going into improving your mental health. If you didn’t have the drive you would have given up on this fight a long time ago. You wouldn’t have gone to those concerts. You wouldn’t have reached out to those counselors. You wouldn’t be writing to me still. You have the drive to get better. Once you have a better grasp on this fight against depression, you can start to divert your energy to doing things that you love, like write a song. Didn’t you promise to write one in 2017? But until then, it’s ok to feel like you have to take a step back and focus on other priorities. You have to remember that it’s a process. A long process that has no definite timetable.
Depression isn’t forgiving. Sorry you had to learn the hard way. Some people think you just need to go to counseling or take some meds and your problems disappear. A lot of people don’t realize that it’s a marathon. It’s mental hygiene. Going to the dentist regularly helps keep your teeth clean, but the majority of the work is done each day when you brush and floss. Similarly, counseling will help give you different perspectives, but you still need be proactive and take steps daily to work on your mental health. Right now you’re learning that you need to play the long game. That things won’t just get better overnight. It’s the little baby steps you take each day that will help you win this battle. Don’t underestimate those baby steps.
I know you can’t control how you feel, and there will be times where things get really rough for you and you’re questioning what’s the point of even trying anymore. When you get in those moments where you really forget who you are, it helps to take a look around at the people who love you. You’ll find pieces of yourself in them. When you struggle to see the person you are, they will remind you. You’ve acknowledged that you’re in free fall right now. Just remember who’s gonna be there to catch you when you finally land. Keep those people close and don’t let them go.
I’m still here with you each step of the way. I’m proud of how you’ve handled all of this. I think you’ll be fine. You just need to believe that yourself.
With love,
NV
