I am my own worst enemy. I’m always overthinking and second guessing everything that I do. I took the past year to really sit with myself and reflect on what I’m doing or not doing to take care of myself. I discovered a lot of patterns of behavior that were damaging to my mental health. It’s taken a lot of unpacking and self-discovery, but I’ve compiled a list of things I can do to get out of my own way. Hope some of it resonates with you.
I was stuck in a fixed mindset.
I kept telling myself that this was just the way I was. That because of my past experiences and how I grew up, there’s only so much I can change about myself. Even my friends would tell me that. Whenever I would get into my moods, they would just say oh, that’s just how Nhan gets, just leave him be. I think that just reinforced this idea that this is just who I am, and I can’t really change. This mentality prevents growth. I started using it as an excuse not to deal with my problems. Whether or not my depression was the cause or the product of this mentality, I don’t really know. But the depression definitely made it easier for me to stay stuck in this fixed-mindset. I was stuck in a cycle of self-blame and feeling sorry for myself. It’s a draining cycle, and I knew that if things were to change, I needed to get rid of this fixed mindset. It’s not until I took a step back did I realize how much I was damaging myself.
Focus on one thing at a time.
I can be an impatient person at times. Sometimes I want to take care of everything at once, because having to think about all the things I have left to do is overwhelming. Balancing multiple work streams is an important skill, but when you’re also dealing with anxiety, I find it easier to focus on one thing at a time. Thinking about too many things at once overloads my mental capacity and causes even more anxiety. This one was tough at first for me because I felt like I wasn’t moving fast enough or doing enough. I had to keep reminding myself to go at my own pace. If I started my day knowing I had 5 things on my to-do list, I would first prioritize them by order of importance and how time-sensitive they were. Then I would tackle #1, and not even think about #2 until I was finished with #1. Focusing on one thing at a time made it easier for me to stay focused and not get frustrated. In the words of Ron Swanson, “Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.”
Focusing on consistency, not results.
Again my often impatient personality works against me here. When I set goals and come up with a plan, I want results to show immediately. That’s not always realistic. This is where the idealist in me comes out. Especially when it comes to things that take time, like a workout routine. If you focus too much on the end-goal you lose sight of the day-to-day details that are just as important. Instead of telling myself I need to get fit, I would tell myself to just make it to the gym that day. Setting smaller goals made it easier to focus on staying consistent. It’s the baby steps we take that eventually add up. We hear this advice all the time, but understanding that this is a process and it takes time.
Understanding who I am.
It’s hard not to compare myself to those around me. Especially in the bay area, where everyone is overqualified and the best of the best come here looking for jobs. It’s easy to focus on the negatives, like what you haven’t done, or what you regret doing, or how far behind you think you are. Part of understanding who you are is actively acknowledging your own accomplishments. If you take a step back for just a moment to recognize your own accomplishments, you’ll be surprised at how far you’ve come. If you are a visual person like me, it helps to list them out in your journal or even a Google doc. Keep in mind that who you are doesn’t just consist of what is on your resume. Your professional experience is only one aspect of your identity. I am also a brother, a son, a friend, a mentor, and a 1st generation Asian American who is the oldest in his generation and is learning how to balance taking care of others and taking care of himself. Recognizing all aspects of your identity puts your accomplishments into perspective. A friendly reminder that what we see on social media is only a reflection of what people are willing to show.
Understanding who I’m not.
Perfection is an outdated concept. We can sit here and list out all the traits that we think make someone successful, but there will always be other successful people who don’t fit into those boxes. And it’s ok if you don’t fit into these boxes that society has defined as desirable. I’m not the guy who’s going to be at the top of the leaderboards. I discovered in my last sales job that I’m not motivated by individual success. I’m intrinsically driven by the challenge of making everyone around me better. This means I may never be a top individual contributor, but I’ll make a damn great manager some day. I’m also not someone who can work 60–70hrs a week for an extended period of time. I have a better understanding of my depression and anxiety now, and I just don’t have the mental capacity to sustain that kind of lifestyle (at least not right now). I need my work-life balance. Understanding who you are and who you’re not will help guide your future plans. Don’t try to fit yourself into a box you weren’t meant to be in.
Surround yourself with people who will remind you to be kind to yourself.
We all need a little help. The older I get the more I realize how picky I am with the company that I keep. There’s only so much time to go around, and it’s important to keep people who contribute positive vibes into your life. Part of self-care and self-compassion is having the courage to remove people or things in your life that are no longer beneficial to you. I’m extremely fortunate and grateful to have friends who look past my struggles with mental health and embrace me for who I am. When you find these people, you do whatever it takes to keep them in your life.
Give yourself a break.
Maybe this means letting yourself rewatch an entire season of The Office (for the fifth time). Maybe it means taking up that boxing class on Groupon that you’ve been eyeing. Maybe it means booking a solo trip to Chicago for your birthday. What’s even more important than giving yourself a break though, is not feeling guilty about doing it. You might feel like you’re wasting time, but you have to let yourself detach to actually enjoy the break. Set aside time for self-care and it will energize you to reach your next goal.
Seeing failure as part of the process.
It’s a real and valid fear that we all have, but rewiring how our mind perceives failure is very important to our growth. I used to think of failure as a reflection of my own lack of skills or talent, but in hindsight the times I learned the most were the times where I “failed”. Failure reminds you of how resilient and resourceful you are. It shows that despite knowing you could fail, you tried anyway, and that makes you brave. Not only do I embrace failure now, I expect it to happen. Thinking of it as something that is necessary will help remove the negative feelings associated with the word and hopefully ease some of the fear.
Learning to dissociate from the negative thoughts in your mind.
This one is definitely the hardest to do on this list. There’s not a day where my positive thoughts aren’t flanked by negative ones. I wish I had better advice on how to do this, but truth is this is something I struggle with on the daily. I can’t stop these negative thoughts from coming, but I can recognize when I get them so I force myself to take a step back and take a breather. It helps to stop me spiraling further into the cycle of self-blame and feeling like I’m not good enough. Journaling and blogging have helped put my thoughts into perspective as well. I think this is something that’s going to take a few more years to work on. Maybe it’s impossible to get rid of these thoughts. I don’t know. But making a conscious decision to dissociate from these negative thoughts will go a long way.
