My Mental Health and Social Media: Our On-and-Off Again Relationship

Two years ago, I decided to stop using all my social media accounts. I deleted all of the apps off my phone and deleted my accounts permanently. The only exception was Facebook. (I use FB messenger as one of my primary ways of communicating with important people in my life.) I stopped using everything else though. I wanted to see how social media affected my day-to-day life and mental health.

Here’s my completely unbiased and scientifically proven findings.

I was conditioned to compare myself to others.

The issue with social media is that people get to filter what they want to show. What you usually see online is the highlight reel of people’s lives, all the good material they want to show and replay to others. I get it. You don’t want to put your whole life on social media, so you choose to put all the things you’re proud of on there. You can’t blame anyone for wanting to show the world their best side. But this paints the illusion that people’s lives in the digital world accurately reflect their lives in the real world. I think most of us understand that realistically that is not the case, but we don’t have the time and energy nor frankly do we care enough to put together the pieces of other people’s lives.

I compared myself to a lot of my college graduate friends online. So-and-so got accepted into Harvard. So-and-so got a full time at Facebook. So-and-so spent the last two months traveling the world. I kept telling myself that I was behind, and I needed to figure out my life soon. Each time I logged on, it was a reminder that I wasn’t good enough yet. I became conditioned to use what I see online as the benchmark for how my life should be. I couldn’t help it.

The past few years I had to reteach myself how to go at my own pace. I had to remind myself each day that I’m exactly where I need to be right now. I had to learn how to embrace failure and let it guide me. Now I don’t put all this pressure on myself to “be successful”, and that makes it a bit easier to deal with the depression. I was always my own worst enemy, so this was a big step in understanding how to deal with my depression.

My self worth was tied to external factors.

The age of social media has reinforced “like” culture. Social media by it’s very nature depends on the approval of others. Content on social media is in large part measured quantitatively by the amount of likes, comments, or reposts it gets. While that is a powerful avenue to get publicity for content that might not be picked up by mainstream media, it also subconsciously tricks us into tying our self worth into the approval of others. We know we shouldn’t subscribe to this “like” culture, but it’s hard not to when social media thrives on it.

I didn’t realize how bad it got until I started counting the amount of likes and comments I got per post and started looking up the optimal times to post on Facebook in order to maximize the amount of likes I get (it’s Wednesday afternoon, if you’re wondering.) It was a game I didn’t even realize I was playing. It wasn’t even about who was liking my posts, it was about the number of likes I got. It’s scary to think that you could so easily let your self-worth be tied to a number like that. It definitely affected how I viewed myself, and that made it easier for me to forget to appreciate everything I already had in my life. I was disappointed in myself for letting it get to that.

Since being off social media, I noticed I stopped worrying so much about other people’s opinions, especially people I haven’t met since I added them on FB. I started asking myself “What do I think about this, or “How do I feel about this?”. Then I started asking myself why I cared so much about what other people thought about me in the first place. I went back to read some of my old posts and cringed for a good hour. Unless you’re a close friend or family, I could care less what you think about me now. As I got older, I realized I only have so many fucks I can give out.

I started craving genuine connections.

I’m not saying that digital connections aren’t genuine. My parents and grandparents figured out how to use the internet, so it’s allowed us to connect more often than the few times a year that we see each other in-person. I still use FB messenger to stay in touch with mentees and old friends that I care very much about. That’s the good parts of social media.

But I found myself spending more time behind the screen and less time face-to-face with people. It’s just not the same talking to someone through texts. Even video chat can’t replace the experience of communicating with someone in person. When you can be physically present with someone, you can read their body language, smell what cologne they’re wearing, and you notice all the little quirks that make them so special. Digital communication limits that depth in communication. What you see online has often been pre-filtered through people’s insecurities and vulnerabilities, and what you see is just a snapshot of who they are. It reinforces living life behind these facades we create for ourselves.

And honestly, I just got sick of it. Each month that went by when I was off social media, I started to crave more and more genuine connections. Let’s skip the small talk and have some honest and real conversations. That’s what I crave in this world — that authenticity and genuinity (it’s a word to me). It’s so hard to find that these days. Social media should be used as a compliment to our social lives, but more often than not it’s become a replacement. That terrifies me.

People are afraid of being themselves.

Perhaps the most important lesson I learned was that people are genuinely afraid to be themselves. How many times do you hear, “I’m scared I won’t be enough” or “I’m scared I’ll be too much”. Two sides of the same coin. I honestly think what this all ties back to is a fear of showing the world your true self.

It’s gotten so easy to selectively choose what you want to show to the world that most people will opt to leave out all the content that they consider to be “bad”. Or are they just scared that others won’t like these parts of them? Identity is of course a complex issue that will take a much longer discussion to break down, but I don’t believe you can pick and choose which parts of yourself you want to keep and just pretend like the rest isn’t there. You come as a whole entity.

It took me a while to come to terms with everything that I am as an individual because of how social media skews our perception of what is beautiful, or what is successful, or even what is acceptable. Things like masculinity, vulnerability, self-blame, depression, and anxiety were all things I struggled to explore because of what society has taught me about it. It took a lot of journaling, breaking down, long nights, and reaching out to friends to unpack all of that. To this day, I absolutely despise the word perfection because it functions under the premise that we all have to believe there are traits/characteristics/colors/behaviors/looks that are superior to others. We shouldn’t strive for perfection. Why can’t we just work on being our unapologetic selves?

Will I go back to social media?

Of course. I use it now as a form of coping with my depression and anxiety, by sharing my experiences with people who care to listen and read. I’m amazed how many people have reached out to offer advice and support and share their own experiences. These are people I haven’t talked to in years. I think it’s a little easier for people to put down their walls when they see others doing it. This is what draws me back to social media. I’m using it to build upon the relationships I already have.

I think we can all be better about talking about our mental health more. It shouldn’t be a conversation confined to the walls of your therapist’s office. I’m trying to embrace this whole vulnerability thing and show the whole me, not just bits and pieces of me. I’m just tired of apologizing to the world for who I am. Being on and off social media has made me realize a lot about how I see myself, how I fit into this world, and how I can continue to grow and struggle as a human being. So thank you, Zuck. But real talk though, thank you for allowing me to tag my friends in memes, keep tabs on upcoming concerts, and remember my friends’ birthdays.