Do you ever watch a TV show and get mad at a character because he/she didn’t make the obvious right choice, but instead ends up making a huge mistake and messes everything up? You’re sitting there yelling at the screen and wondering what could have been if they had just chosen the other path. You start to feel sorry for them, but then they keep making mistakes and now you’re just annoyed at them and wish they would change their ways. Well what happens when you realize that you are that character in real life?
Maybe I’ve been watching too much New Girl lately, but I realized that besides the beard and the chest hair, I am a spitting image of Nick Miller’s character. If you don’t watch the show, Nick is a character who is stubborn and likes to do things his own way even if its obviously not the best way, has trouble processing feelings right away and literally runs away to figure them out, and likes to laugh at his own stupid jokes before he realizes they aren’t funny. He also has very low confidence, consistently puts himself down, and doesn’t realize his own self-worth. I’ll dig more into this in a bit. I usually don’t get attached to characters on TV shows. Friends is one of the greatest shows ever, but I didn’t feel particularly attached to any of the characters, mainly because I couldn’t see my own traits in any one character. But I see so much of myself in Nick, and it’s made me realize a lot about myself (this sounds so cheesy now that I’m typing this out). It’s one thing to have other people tell you about you, but sometimes it doesn’t really click until you see your actions be played out by someone else (even if it’s a fictional character).
It’s like holding up a mirror to yourself.
I realized I don’t really know the person that I see in front of me.
That’s a little sad. I’ve been fooling myself by pretending that I was ok, that I had my problems under control, and that I would have my life all figured out shortly after college. Truth is, I’m not ok at all. I’m scared. I’m scared shitless. I’m scared that I’ll keep bouncing between jobs and never figure out what I want to do in life. I’m scared that I’ll be stuck in this perpetual limbo while I’m not getting any younger. I’m scared that I’ll disappoint my parents. I have a degree from the best public university in the world, yet I have no idea where I’m going. I’m scared that as the oldest in my generation, I won’t be a good role model for all of my younger cousins. I’m scared that if I can’t even take care of myself, how will I be able to take care of my little sister. How can I give her career advice when I’ve had three different jobs in three years and now approaching six months of unemployment. I have a mentee who looks up to me like the older brother he never had, but I’m scared that I’ll let him down eventually too. I’m scared that I won’t know how to beat my depression and anxiety. There are days when I take some steps forward, but those are followed immediately by days where I fall flat on my face and I feel like I’m back to square one. I’m scared of being alone. I rely on other people’s affirmations to determine my self-worth. And because of that I’m scared that I won’t be enough for people. I’m scared that I’ll keep pushing my friends away because I don’t know how to keep people in my life. I’m bad at small talk and keeping up with the mundane things in life. For me conversations usually go from “Hi, how’ve you been?” to “What’s your deepest fear and how are you addressing it?” There’s not much in between for me. I’m bad at relationships because I keep expecting something my partners could never give — my self-worth. I’m scared I’ll always feel like something’s missing, and that I’ll be stuck in a cycle of self-pity and self-blame. I’m scared that I won’t recognize happiness anymore even when it’s staring me right in the face.
I’m scared of who I am.
I looked in the mirror again, and I realized that I still see that scared little Nhan who didn’t have a lot of friends and ate lunch by himself at school. He’s still here, and he’s still scared. Little Nhan never learned how to process and communicate his feelings properly. And you know what? Older Nhan still struggles with that. But binge-watching twenty episodes of New Girl a day has convinced me that that’s ok. Because once you face this reality and embrace it as a growing process and not look at it like there’s something wrong with you, you start to believe in yourself more and actually give yourself a chance to be the person you know you can be. It makes you appreciate every little step forward that you took so much more. I’ve been too caught up in feeling sorry for myself that I refused to look at myself in the mirror and acknowledge how I was hurting myself and hurting others. But I’ve learned to accept this fact. The first part of my self care starts with forgiving myself. Understanding that I’m still trying to figure life out just like everyone else, and that I made some mistakes along the way that hurt other people but that doesn’t make me a terrible person. I’m learning how to face myself and my fears so that I can make sure that next time, I make the right choices the first time around. Most importantly, I’m learning to love myself for the first time.
I didn’t think a show about five dysfunctional 30-year-olds living together in one apartment would help me realize so much. None of the characters on New Girl has their life figured out. Even Jess the main character, who is known for always “having a plan” for her future, ends up admitting she has no idea what she’s doing either. Six seasons in and Nick still has trouble believing in himself. Here’s a quote from him, “If we needed to talk about feelings they would be called ‘talkings’.” Wait oops sorry wrong quote, that was just one of his bad jokes. He said, “I’m not convinced I know how to read, I just memorized a bunch of words.” I used to beat myself up all the time for just going through the motions or not knowing what I’m doing in life, but maybe that’s just how you get by.
(Awkwardly moonwalks out).
–NV || 2.23.17
