I like metaphors because it helps you understand unfamiliar concepts using familiar comparisons. The problem is I can’t seem to find a metaphor that accurately portrays this, and maybe that’s the best way I can describe what it feels like to deal with depression and anxiety at the same time. I always have trouble explaining to people because it’s not always the same experience. Both exist on a spectrum, and they can simultaneously work in conjunction and against each other, which means there are endless layers of complexity. I heard the best way to understand something is to try and teach it to someone else. If I can try to explain the jumbled mess in my head to other people maybe it’ll help me organize my thoughts. Maybe over the course of writing this article, we can figure out a good description together. Let’s give this a shot.
It Began With Depression
The onset of my depression happened gradually over time. I didn’t realize until after college that I had depression, but I think I started showing symptoms dating back to middle school. Because the changes in my behavior happened so gradually, I didn’t think there was anything wrong with me. I believed it, my friends believed it, and over time it just became “who I am”. I got by for most of my life, but at some point that tank hits empty and you’re left with a lot of questions about why you are always unhappy. There are days in the week where I’m attached to my bed. I’ll snooze the alarm in the morning because I dread getting up, or I’ll just lie there browsing Reddit for hours before I sleep even though I’m tired. When depression hits, it’s like my mind just shuts down, and my default reaction is to watch the world pass by because I can’t bring myself to do the simplest of tasks.
Then Came The Anxiety
A few years ago, I had my first panic attack. Then I started having them more regularly. Sometimes it would be a “lying on the floor crying and unable to breathe” kind of anxiety that lasted anywhere from 5–20 minutes. Other times it would feel like someone’s pressing down on my chest for hours. Not hard enough to stop my breathing, but hard enough to make breathing no longer a completely involuntary activity. At some point, it became a weekly event, where I scheduled my Sundays for my “breakdown” days. I would give myself a day to cry or lie in bed and breathe or just feel whatever it was I needed to feel. This helped a bit, but what happens when the anxiety comes on a weekday before an important presentation at work or when I’m out with friends at a concert confined in a large crowd of people?
Now They Coexist
When I was only dealing with depression, I had moments where I let myself feel sad and let everything out, and then I would move on. I also learned that staying in my room too much makes my depression a lot worse, so I started exploring the city more. My room is where I feel safe, but stay in it too long and it becomes an incubator for my depressive thoughts. With the anxiety, I approached it in a similar way. But instead of wallowing, I would take a step back, breathe, and let it pass. I learned that it’s ok to step out to calm my nerves for a bit. I learned some breathing exercises that helped slow down my heart rate. I learned how to say “no” to my friends when I wasn’t feeling up for going out. Dealing with each on its own was frustrating but manageable. But what happens when both show up at the same time?
I hear the two sometimes being described as opposites of each other. Depression makes it hard for you to muster up the energy to do anything, while anxiety makes you restless and feel like you’re not doing enough. Lately, it’s been feeling like this for me.
Here are some examples:
- I fight depression by trying to drag myself out of my room so I don’t wallow too much in my thoughts, but once I’m out with friends sometimes I’ll get social anxiety and want to go home
- I’ve been feeling anxious with a lot of projects due at work so I try to take it easy on myself, but then I end up just spending all weekend in my room wallowing in my thoughts
- I try to let myself feel sad and feel what I need to feel, but the anxiety is a voice in my head that keeps reminding me of upcoming deadlines and makes me feel like I can’t take a break
- I’ll get anxiety randomly when I’m taking the subway home from work, which takes a lot out of me. Exercising helps me manage my depression, but I end up not going to the gym because I’m too tired
- Depression reduces my overall energy level, but anxiety feeds off of me not doing enough
There’s this constant push and pull between the two, and it’s an exhausting cycle. Most of the time I feel stuck in this mental limbo where I can’t fully embrace either. Some of the methods that worked for addressing my depression and anxiety in the past aren’t as effective anymore, so I’ve been distracting myself with video games or Youtube videos. Distractions only delay you having to face the problem, but maybe I’m just buying myself a little more time while I try to figure out how to deal with this.
It almost feels like I’m relearning how to deal with a new mental health disorder. I don’t know if I would call it harder just yet, but it’s different. It’s like learning a new sport. You don’t forget how to condition and get yourself in shape, but it does take some time to learn the new rules and adjust to how playing the new sport affects your mind and body. It also takes time to learn muscle memory and understand the nuances of how to excel in the sport. It’s going to take time for me to understand how having anxiety and depression at the same time affects my day-to-day, but hopefully, over time I will adapt and learn how to best address it.
Moving Forward
I honestly don’t have the answers, but I’m continuing to approach my mental health proactively similarly to how I did in the past. Take it one day at a time, set small goals, and use my past experiences to guide me:
- Recognize environments and situations that make it more likely for my depression or anxiety to flare up, and avoid putting myself in those situations or at least minimizing the amount of time I spend in them
- Remind myself that it’s ok to not feel ok and to take time for myself when needed
- Find some creative outlets to slowly make sense of the jumbled thoughts in my head
- Don’t stop mood tracking just because things are suddenly going well
- Don’t just take care of my mental health when it hits a breaking point. It’s just as important to be proactive about it when I’m happy and well
- Lastly, don’t stop talking about it. We need to normalize the discussion surrounding mental health
Thanks for listening,
NV
